I guess this was me pre kids…I thought I got it. I thought I knew exactly what it entailed, what I was possibly in for one day when I chose to become a parent…I mean I had heard a few stories and seen a fair few ‘challenging’ parenting moments BUT I secretly thought my experience would be different. Ok, I didn’t think it would be a walk in the park but how hard and challenging could it really be?!
Fast-forward to today…I had no freaking idea what I was in for! Ok I guess back in the day I could conceptualise it in my head and imagine what it was like BUT WOW certainly no comparison to being in it…feeling it, experiencing it, the grand highs and the soul sucking lows. Feeling like I am progressing some days and really evolving then being dragged to the other end of the spectrum where I feel at mercy to it all, like I am suffocating, in need of air, space, a moment…just one moment where it is all about me.
Yes the pendulum can swing some days and I hold onto hope and pray for some kind of balance, some equilibrium…some calm…where my kids are happy playing together, all their needs are met (just for a brief moment) and I can sit back and indulge in the creatures before me.
But as day is to night and light is to dark…you can not have one without the other. You must embody and embrace both light and dark and the shades of grey in each day. You would not know love/bliss/ease/flow/calm if you did not know the other…guilt/pain/sadness/struggle/chaos. But when you least expect it…the light shines through. I have certainly learnt that I must relish in the brief (at times) but expansive moments that open and fill up my heart, pouring in such rich love and goodness, so that I can go forth with gusto and certainty that the moments I crave for are there when I least expect them. And in the moments of challenge I am armed and ready to tackle what may lie ahead.
I have learnt more lessons about life on this journey into the unknown. A territory I ‘thought’ I was brave enough to encounter, but some days I do feel defeated. Defeated by my own mind…when the fatigue sets in and I feel as though there is no more of ME to give. When my mind plays tricks on me and tries to convince me I’m not cut out for this at all. It tries very hard to work it’s magic and cast it’s spell on me but I must rise above it all and see through this illusion for in reality I know I am not my thoughts. I chose this path and I am stronger than any obstacle that comes my way, for I would not be dealt any card I could not handle.
It is a step learning curve and I know I have come a long way. I have challenged many of my beliefs and assumptions. The judgments I have held about myself and being a mumme have cut me deeply and at times sent me into depths of despair. As I pushed and pushed (against the grain) trying to have it all, do it all and be it all, yet knowing I must pick my battles, honour my boundaries and ask for help. I must block out the noise and ever present distractions around me and listen within, to my own souls calling and let that be my guide for it knows my truth.
The guilt has tried to plague me and has tried its’ hardest to rob me of precious moments that would not come again. I have had to strip away the layers and get to the core of my own truth in order to see past the charade. It has been a process of ‘undoing’ and ‘letting go’. I have had to go ‘through it’, feel it, own it, so that I can be responsible for myself and not pass onto to my children that which is not theirs to hold.
This process has been messy…I have had to look at my own shadows (darkness) and bring parts of me back into the light. I have had to become conscious and aware to the point where I have no way of going back. Once I know…I am then unable to ‘un-know’. This has cut through many of the rules and beliefs I had set up for myself in my life before children but were no longer serving me now. It has cast away obstacles, limitation, fear and debris, giving space and clearance for a new path…a new way of being.
My children have triggered me and challenged me on more levels than I felt equipped to deal with. I have felt so raw at times, ready to have my own ‘tantie’ or ‘time out’ when it all got too much. They have showed me how to love with an open, abundant, full heart. To love without agenda and to love…just to love. For no reason nor transaction at all. They love all of me…wholeheartedly and see no imperfections.
They have taught me forgiveness. When days feel chaotic and crazy and no one is listening…no one is hearing me…and I am ready to leave it all behind, they reach out to me and give me a glance…a word…a flower, a drawing, a smile, an I love you and instantly the crazy chaos gets sucked up into the vortex. All hurts, wrongs, upsets, feelings, confusions vanish and my calm, happy, loving self is restored. They have taught me to let go and forgive myself.
So I thank them everyday…for showing me the way. For shaking me up and dusting me off. For making me see and for helping me follow my own truth. For waking me up! For helping me see past the charade, the illusion…for making it all so bloody real. For making me go ‘through it’ and teaching me to feel the array of feelings, so that I can grow and learn to be a better me, a better mumme. For I NOW know it is in these moments they guided me to learn my greatest lessons (and will continue to do so).
I thank them for shining their light so bright and giving me the true (real) gifts of life.
Love n light
Ps…As always I want to hear form you!
How do your munchkin/s light up your life and teach you about life?
Please share the lessons your child/ren have taught you on your parenting journey!