I don’t think I ever really understood the reality of how FAST the newborn days would go by until my son had left them behind. So once I had my second bundle of joy I knew she would be crawling, walking and talking back to me saying NO MUMME…in NO time!
Being aware of this the second time around I knew that my little princess was going to grow up way too FAST…too fast for my liking. I wanted to hit the pause button for a while and hold the moments a little longer. Relish in those magic moments that were created in the most ordinary of times.
But, as with anything in life seasons CHANGE and we must move forward and EMBRACE the next stage of our journey.
Recently I read an article about having your ‘LAST CHILD’…the last birth…last breastfeed/bottle feed, last first steps…etc…it actually made me feel quite sad. I felt LUCKY to experience it all for the 1st time let alone the 2nd time around. It was a blessing that I could do it all again.
Moving forward from the baby stage and LETTING GO can be an emotional experience. But we can continue to experience and create new magic moments every step of the way. I certainly count my blessings for at the start I was uncertain as to whether I could actually fall pregnant.
So, whether you look at it as your last child, your second miracle, or your first and last child…it is what you FOCUS on that determines how you FEEL about the inevitable.
My life as a mum is far from perfect, predictable and happy all the time. Just like other mums I have my struggles, my challenges and my why the hell did I have children days!
I DREAM of times where I could walk out the house, just me, NO bags, NO luggage and NO complaints. The COMPLETE FREEDOM to just up and go when I like. Sure I have ‘planned’ times where I get to do this but I’m talking about the spontaneous moments where I don’t need to plan, nor pack snacks, water bottles, milk bottles (warmed to the right temp in the right bottle), deal with countless wardrobe changes and so on. I’m sure you know what I mean.
Yes life has certainly changed and I TRY my best to embrace the craziness of having two little ones.
I try to be AWARE, to be conscious of how I want to be as a mum and what I want my children to learn from me. I know that my actions speak volumes and my kids are watching me and learning from me each day. How I react to situations, how I respond and how I deal with life. They may not HEAR ME but I know they are WATCHING and I am by far one of their biggest role models.
Getting to this point of realisation as mum has been a struggle. I have had my meltdowns/reactions/resistances but I now TRY TO CHOOSE a better way, a better response (most of the time- as I am human and slip ups are inevitable!). What helps me in the moment of chaos/lack of control/fear/stress overwhelm/anger is where I choose to put my FOCUS. THIS IS MY POWER!
The world around me could be falling apart and out of my control (exactly where my 4 year old sends me on a daily basis) but I CHOOSE to remain calm and composed as often as possible. Don’t get me wrong, I do have my days where I feel like I am on autopilot and my anger gets the better of me.
Most of the time my struggles with my son are for POWER and CONTROL. His need for power and my need for control…a definite recipe for a meltdown on both sides. My natural reaction is to try and control but what I found was it was a battle I was not winning, ending in tears. My son having major meltdowns and me feeling guilty and upset from yelling and getting into a worked up state. Things needed to change…and I had to STEP UP and be that change.
One of the biggest TOOLS that has helped me is the POWER of FOCUS. what you focus on determines how you FEEL, how you THINK, how you RESPOND and ultimately how happy & fulfilled you are…it determines your emotional state and the direction of your life. It is a mental habit, like working a muscle. And just like any muscle the more you use it the stronger it gets.
Fine tune your focus and focus on your outcome (what you want/how you want to be or need to be right now to achieve your outcome/or what you need to let go of ) and you will determine the direction of your life. On the flip side, when you FOCUS on fear (things you can’t control)/guilt/stress/unhappiness/what’s missing), you get MORE of it (more of what you are wanting to avoid) and you tend to react in the moment, living a life where you are at the effect of everything around you. Living a life by default. YOU CREATE WHAT YOU ARE DEFENDING AGAINST.
Imagine if you could DESIGN YOUR LIFE just the way you wanted? Instead of reacting to it….design the kind of mumme you want to be…the family life you want to create, the values you want to instill into your child/ren…and consciously drive your family in the direction you want to go.
Here are 5 STEPS to help you on your mumme journey. To help you carve out and shape the kind of mumme you want to be. To help you FOCUS on what you WANT and create the life you dream of. To have inner strength and mental strength to get through any challenge and any obstacle that’s in your way.
5 STEPS TO GETTING MUMME ‘FOCUS’ FIT
1. JOURNAL EXERCISE...write down your story. Where are you right now on your mumme journey? See it how it is…not worse nor more dramatic just exactly how it is. See your life, see you as a mumme, see your family, see the situations…your strengths/weaknesses, without judgement or guilt just the way it is. Gain insight/awareness into what is really going on. Where are you struggling? If you could change something what would it be?
The power of insight is the key to CHANGE …from where you are now to where you want to be as a mumme/family etc. As your thoughts change (and your focus) so to will your behaviours and your actions.
2. NOW REWRITE YOUR STORY…write your story once again BUT now CHANGE THE LENSE you see out of…make it BRIGHTER, closer and see it BETTER than it is. See the picture you have created and see it bigger and better…write it the way you really want it to be? what is your outcome? The mumme you want to be? How do you want to show up each day with your child/ren? partner? Do you see any patterns? (ways you are being constantly that are not serving you or your family anymore?)
What is it going to take to be the mumme you want to be? Have the life you want to live?
Do you need to stop yelling at your child/ren? Be more patient? LET GO? BE More compassionate and loving and CREATE more magic moments together? Do you need to pause and be mindful before you react when your child/ren has/have pushed your buttons or are not listening or doing as you ask. Do you need to bite your tongue so you don’t yell and look at your child/ren as you did when they were first born and they could DO NO WRONG. Do you need to pick your battles and not sweat the same stuff? Do you need to lighten your load? be less busy? Prioritise? Outsource some jobs to free up some time? Do you need to make time for YOU? If you are feeling stressed/tired/depleted and in need some mumME time to restore and recharge your battery, do you need to ask for help? Get a babysitter for a few hours? Plan time for YOU?
ALSO WRITE DOWN…What are the consequences for your child/ren/family/you if you continue yelling? feeling overwhelmed/angry/frustrated/being too busy/having no quality time/moments with your child/ren/ having NO mumME TIME? ETC
What will this cost you and your family if it continues? (e.g, feeling disconnected from your child/ren/family? unhappiness? guilt? feeling like you missed their childhood/didn’t make the most of the time you had together and now you can’t go back? regrets? depleted/run down as you haven’t nourished yourself and given back to YOU).
REMEMBER these honest insights are not meant to make you feel bad or guilty but are a CATALYST for the change you seek. They will give you the juice to move forward, knowing that if you continue down the old path you will create what you are wanting to avoid. This awareness will help you FOCUS on what you want and how you want to be as a mumme moving forward.
3. Develop a ‘MUMME FOCUS FIT’ plan…
a) Write down 4 VALUES you want your children to possess, that are THE MOST important to you. Are these values ones that you possess too?
Make a list and write down how you can consistently exhibit these values each day. What do YOU have to DO or how do you have to BE to achieve the kind of mumme you want to be (make it realistic and achievable).
b) Ask yourself in any moment/challenge/struggle/situation…WHAT IS MY OUTCOME/RESULT…that I am trying to achieve. If it is give a loving response, give love. If it is letting go and just being there without trying to fix the problem, be available. If it is to stand your ground and say NO because it is a non negotiable, say NO!
I realised too many times I was trying to solve my son’s problems, make things better so that he didn’t feel loss/upset/struggle. I realised I was taking away from him the one value I was wanting him to learn…resilience. In a world where everything is at your fingertips and we have instant gratification, my son has to learn that sometimes you get what you want and sometimes you don’t but, you keep trying!
Knowing what you WANT and having a PLAN will DRIVE YOU in the direction of what you want to achieve. Don’t beat yourself up or feel guilty if you steer off course and yell/scream or have no patience/compassion or tolerance. Pause, breathe and just get straight on course, moving forward.
4. MEDITATE & VISUALISE…(the power of meditation to connect you with your spirit)
Get centred and grounded…develop a short 5-10 min mediation practise each morning before the child/ren are awake. SIT STILL & BE. Listen to nice calming music and visualise your day ahead, what is your outcome for the day, how you will respond as a mumme, how do you want to be and how will you deal with any challenges that may arise.
5. ADOPT A DAILY GRATITUDE PRACTISE... at some point in your day write down (or use a gratitude app) 3 things you are grateful for. I find it best doing this before you go to bed at night.
This daily practise will build your gratitude muscle and help you stay focused and look out for what you have to be grateful for instead of focusing on what’s missing.
DEVELOP AN ATTITUDE FOR GRATITUDE.
MUMME TIP… Find a name for the kind of mumme you want to be…mine is WONDER WOMAN! Find something inspiring to you. Now find your ‘theme song’ and play it regularly so you have it anchored in your mind. When challenges strike call upon her and use this power to help you respond and behave, and show up in a way that aligns with the VALUES you want to exhibit, your OUTCOME and the MUMME you want to be!
Remember baby steps each day & celebrate your WINS!
Please share your thoughts/struggles/wins/insights below so we can learn from each other!
THE SECRET TO LIVING IS GIVING…
love n life
Nina x
